New Eyes

I have just returned from a 10 day meditation retreat where I basically lived like a Buddhist nun for 10 days, including a vow of silence, vegetarian meals, and seated, immobile meditation for 10 hours a day.

I find my emotions more subdued than is normal for me. Perhaps it is partly due to the cold I avoided acquiring for the entire time I was in the Vipassana retreat, but finally caught up to me the day after I returned home. Time will tell if my former energetic mind will return. Though I have to say, I think I could get used to this calmer mind.

Before writing this post, I scanned through the most recent ones. It has not been a good year (or two!) for ponderings. I feel I could just delete them all and start over. (I initially wrote "start again", but that phrase now brings a bit of a raw feeling to my emotions after hearing it repeatedly during the retreat).

That's all that I find to say that is real for now.

Midnight Musings

Do you ever have a feeling come over you like, everything around you is quiet and the thoughts in your head feel more real than anything has for months?

Here is the fruit of tonight's quiet ponder session. My ideas about God have been conglomerating over the years, a bit here and a piece there. This is my first attempt, really, to write anything down.

Believing in God is an inner search and an outward sharing. When I look for God, as I pray or ponder His words, I am looking within myself. I consider myself to be more than a physical construct. There is an essence to being human that is not simply a combination of the different aspects of flesh, bone, electric impulses, and other chemicals. The whole is more than the sum of its parts. I don’t know when that idea first originated, but I believe I understand what it means, as applied to a human being. That essence is what I call the Divine. God is Divine. I am His child, and just like I inherited my hair color from my mother, I have inherited divine personality traits from my Father in Heaven. When I seek to know God, I begin by seeking to know myself.

If seeking for God is inward, then the success at finding Him is measured outwardly. I feel either a sense of connection, or a sense of distance, as I interact with others. I define the connection to be the divine in others. When my ideas don't connect with others' ideas, I re-examine my ideas. The Divine is in the connection. So I ask, what is most important -- the ideas I've come to in the past, or finding harmony with those around me? 

I believe that truth is big enough to allow endless variations on a simple idea. I often see my ideas as variations of what other people believe, even if those other people don't believe as I do. I can see the picture as a coherent whole, where others see discordant ideas.

And, in spite of all the ideas, it is how these others and I behave that determines the most real connection. If there is kindness, mutual respect of the other, and a bit of grace in letting slide the rough spots, then this is real. This is divine. This is God.