Learning to nurture children with a Christian philosophy most definitely falls into the category of giving of my time and talents to furthering the work of the Lord on the earth. It seems mundane and obvious now that I write it out, but since I never realized this fact, or felt the emotional impact of it, it is not mundane to me now.
At times I wish I could be doing grander things. Just a short time before I became a mother, I was a missionary. I never doubted that the work I was doing was what the Lord wanted me to do. But as a mother, it is much easier to doubt. Teaching a child to pray is obviously in keeping with the Christian tradition. But can my children feel, through my prayers, the great love and admiration that I have for the Savior? And for that matter, can I feel that love myself on a regular basis?
2. Moses 7:62 ". . . and righteousness and truth will I cause to sweep the earth as with a flood, to dgather out mine elect from the four quarters of the earth. . .that my people may gird up their loins, and be looking forth for the time of my coming. . ."
Reading that verse today, it occurred to me that girding up my loins is what I am doing every time I rededicate myself to living the gospel. Every time I fall off the gospel horse and lay in the mud for a time, the decision to get back on is equivalent to girding up my loins. Every time I wonder if my friends and family who have left the church are in a better position than I am, the decision I make to hold on a little longer is the same as girding up my loins.
Living far away from friends and family in a neighborhood with no other believers of my faith (aside from my husband) is proving to be quite a test of my choice to be a disciple of Christ. Of course the ward family makes that choice a little bit easier, but it is a large ward with a huge youth program and very few babies. I feel I am left to myself, even when I am at church, since everyone is focused so much on youth whose testimonies are more obviously in danger of faltering.
And, in fact, the core of my testimony does seem to be holding and proving to be solid. I know from much study and prayer that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, and that Joseph Smith was telling the truth about the vision he had. I know, moreover, that to continue in obedience to the commandments requires not just a testimony of the truth, but that I must perform the actions of faith to actively strengthen that testimony. Things such as scripture study, prayer, attending church meetings, etc., etc.
So I wonder, would it be any easier to perform those actions if I lived in a more supportive environment? Or would that supportive environment merely accelerate my descent into apostasy?
5 comments:
I don't know that support leads to apostasy, but having too easy a time at anything can lead to apathy.
I think you're just feeling what lots of mothers express: being a mom is hard work with little recognition/praise/tangible rewards. Sometimes it's boring and sometimes it's frustrating. And there's no guarantee that you'll get good results for doing things right -- but of course you'll get the blame if the kids choose poorly, even if it wasn't your fault.
Someday the kids will be a bit older and you'll be able to take up something else again, something where you can have more control over the outcome and feel more confidence. This will probably help you stop worrying so much about your perfection levels in parenting.
I remember Toad's telling me once, about the time you got married, just before she got so irreparably sick, that her mom had been a MUCH better parent once she went back to work and stopped obsessing over the kids. I guess that's why Toad always had her degrees and teaching going while her kids were young; it helped her put things in perspective. She didn't have to be JUST a mom and have all her eggs in one, underappreciated basket.
Times are tough for you right now, and it seems like you're getting worked up about perfection again. Take a deep breath and remember that you can only do your best. No one can do any better than that.
Thanks for sharing. I like the first one especially.
-Arwen
We have an over abundance of infants too young for nursery in our ward, believe me, that doesn't make it any easier to live righteously and go to church. I'm not sure how distracting we our with our four babies in the back, crawling all over playing with toys, but I had a hard time biting my tongue when the instructor said, "You people in the back, I know it's easy to sit back there and not participate, but I want your feed back too." Oh my, in my head I was like, "Yes, you're kids are old and grown, but believe me, I would love to know what question you just asked, even more so I would love to be able to answer it, but I just had to take the rattle out of my overly-tired daughter's hand because she was hitting the other kids with it, so I was a little indisposed. I sit back here not out of choice, but out of necessity. Kindly bite me." It would be so easy to not come to church, and go about our regular routine of nap time and lunch time and what not (though I've decided I have no problem whipping out a container of apple sauce and feeding K in the back), and it would be even easier to not come after having thoughtless comments tossed carelessly our way, but I press on, at least I did this week. Two weeks ago a kind nursery worker took pity on me (she clearly saw I was losing it) and told me K could stay and play in nursery - she wasn't crying or being mean, just having the time of her life not having any limitations to where she could go - and said, "If you want to leave her, I'll bring her to you if she starts crying." I asked three times if she was sure, and that was all I needed to get 20 minutes of class time. Not 5 minutes later she was brought to me, not because she was crying, or causing problems, but because one of the other 3 workers was annoyed because "she's too young". If he'd brought her to me, I would've happily explained the situation, but he passed the buck off to someone else and I just lost it. We packed up, went home, and stayed home last week because I wasn't ready to deal with having someone's kindness ruined by another's thoughtfulness two weeks in a row.
Basically, it's hard no matter the support there is, and when you fall down, pick yourself back up by your bootstraps, dust yourself off (if you have the energy) and get back on the horse, the reward will make it worth it.
"your", not you're, sorry, too late at night to be writing with correct grammar.
I've wanted to re-read and comment on this post for a looooong time. But the procrastination is over!
Love you. I agree that having too much support or having an easy way makes apathy a much easier choice. We did that when we first moved to DC from Philly. We were all of a sudden in a functional ward and weren't as obviously "needed" so we sat back on our laurels a bit. But we missed being "involved" and refocused our efforts on personal and 'group' means of devotion, faith, and serving. It feels much better now.
And I think you are certainly in the unglamourous (sp?)throngs of motherhood where it is easy to forget your sphere of influence and the outcomes and impacts that you have. Eternal perspective and delayed outcomes are very hard to keep in this world of immediate gratification and outward evidence of do-gooding.
Hang in there with being in the middle of nowhere. Hoping your ward also relishes all you have to give. We miss you guys. Maybe we need a meet-halfway rendez-vous with you guys! I'm sure it'll pep both of us up! Post-holidays... see you in 2012? Let's think about it!
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