I have a problem. Whenever my home approaches "nearly acceptable" (which isn't the same as clean but it's as close as I'm going to get at this stage of life), I develop a need to maintain the level of acceptable that I have achieved. I know if I let down my guard for even a few hours, that will be the end.
The problem is that I don't accomplish anything else. And I get very short tempered with my children. I extend my ideal fantasy of a nearly acceptable home to include nearly acceptable children who follow most of the rules and play respectfully with one another. But I am too busy focusing on keeping the home acceptable so I have no energy for teaching them to be pleasant with each other and obedient to the rules. I expect them to achieve these things on their own.
Will there ever be a day when both children and house are simultaneously "nearly acceptable "?
6 comments:
I just spent 3+ hours tying a response, and when I clicked "publish," it got deleted!!!
Here's all that's left:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/the-tongue-of-angels?lang=eng
I'll try to write it all again tomorrow, but I shouldn't be awake at this hour.
The Savior isn't going to judge your housekeeping, but your discipleship. Even God puts aside the housekeeping to take care of his kids: the world is a mess, but you are not. He listens to YOU when you pray and helps YOU with your struggles. You aren't "nearly acceptable" to him: you are perfectly and completely acceptable because you are on the path that leads to him; your speed is not nearly as important as your direction.
Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going." The thought that your house and your children are "nearly acceptable" seems to me to be a discouraging and so hellish kind of a thought, especially if you wonder how long the state will persist. It sounds like you're not measuring up, and that doesn't sound like an encouragement to keep moving toward God. (See Moroni 7) When you find are frustrated, figure out which direction your thoughts are taking you: into the hellish, self-defeating part of your mind, or toward the redeeming grace of a Savior who already paid the price for your imperfections so that you wouldn't have to. If your thoughts are self-condemning, do as Churchill suggests: keep going through your thoughts until you find one that reminds you of how much you are worth to God, not because you are perfect, but because you are on the path that He wants you to walk. Gather those thoughts like flowers until you're out of that hell—and if you're having trouble finding them, call someone who can help you see the good and wonderful person that you are.
Mary and Martha were both disciples of Christ, and when Martha was full of care about the service she was doing and requested Mary's help, he didn't take sides. He said that one thing was needful, and Mary had chosen the better part that would not be taken from her. Some would condemn Martha, but Savior didn't. Martha's work was necessary and important too. I think Martha was doing what she needed to do, and Mary was doing what she needed to do, and what was necessary for the one was not necessary for the other. The only way to know that was by listening to the Spirit: he told Martha to serve, and she didn't understand that he'd told Mary to listen until the Savior explained it.
Even if I'm wrong about that interpretation, I know that the most important thing we can do is learn to listen to the Spirit: he will tell you if you should attend to your children, or if you should clean your house and let them work their problems out on their own. Also, it's hard to listen to the Spirit if you aren't calm, so if your children's behavior is making you angry, it's important to calm yourself down before you take action. (See D&C 121:41-46; follow up on the meaning of the word "sharpness" with D&C 15:2 and Heleman 3:29 and 30. I think it means sharp like a needle and not like scissors: precise, but not cutting.)
When I've worked with kids and I didn't like they way they were treating me or treating each other, and needed to learn how to be calm before I tried to correct them, I'd often stand where they could see me and softly tell them what I wanted them to be doing. I'd repeat the instructions like a broken record, but never louder than my normal speaking voice. If that didn't work, I'd sing "Kindness begins with me" softly to myself. Kids often thought I was swearing, so they'd get quiet to hear, and I could then give them directions. It took a lot of practice, but I made huge progress between my first and last years as a teacher.
The link I posted above is confirmation that I was right to tell myself that I need to be kind to myself, too, because if I am not kind to myself. Love thy neighbor as thyself doesn't mean much if you don't love yourself as well as you think you should love your neighbor; be kind to yourself so you can be kind to others. That's been a hard lesson for me because I try to be more kind to others than I am is to myself, and I end up saying hurtful things to others when I haven't been nice to myself.
All I can say is, "Amen, sister!!!" I. Feel. Exactly. The. Same. I do the same. Haha! We're all a work in progress: house, kids, selves. :)
This makes me miss you and love you all the more.
Carolyn -- thank you. (more below)
Natalie -- I miss you too. I think of you all the time. It's a bit strange, but in the back of my mind, it seems you are there for much of the time. Mostly I think it's because I know I would love to go back to school for my PhD, and the exciting thing is that I think I finally have a subject!! It's, unsurprisingly, the same subject I chose as an undergrad, but I needed to have a practical application before I allowed myself to spend another pile of money and time on higher education. Thank you for just being you, for having kids and doing the graduate and doctoral work simultaneously with them, for being so kind to me and a kindred spirit (I'm not sure I should really thank you for that last, cuz, how can you really *not* do that? -- but I'll thank you anyway because kindred spirits make life sooooooo much more bearable.) I love you Nathalia!! (BTW, we are in KS now. Are we closer to where you are? One day we need to live closer to each other. Maybe when we both have gray hair that we have stopped trying to hide. :)
Back to Carolyn -- some of what you said matches my thoughts exactly. Being kind to myself, focusing on loving (God, me, kids, the current situation), staying "in the moment" instead of focusing on what I *wish* things were like. Thank you for the things you wrote. Stay tuned for more on this topic. I'd like to read your comments again ... sometime ... I think I rushed through them and it seems like there's a niggling in my brain telling me to go back over it more carefully.
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